This is going to be very tough test.....

August 2012

Dear Ali Mahdi,

I went to work today.....trying to look like a mountain, trying to project immense strength....I walked into a room full of colleagues....some who I was briefly acquainted with, some new.....
I hope someday in the very near future, these awesome people will be your teachers.....I already refer to them in my head as your teachers.....Mrs. Panju is so amazing! I know I will learn much from her....Mrs. Farheen is so good with kids... I already see her as your teacher. I do hope you get to study at Wali ul Asr.
Everyone was made aware upon my request to Mrs. Panju, that I am going to divorce your father....So everyone was keeping a respectful distance from me.... a couple of your teachers came and asked me and I did break down. It's so easy to breakdown these days.... I wish I didn't......vulnerability is not a good place to be in..........

So many feelings to deal with.....the one that tops them all is this seperation from you......


I had trusted your father...........

Letter 1

Dear son,

I have returned to Canada....shattered....scattered.....

I still remember how you walked away from me...my love....wearing a dark brown T-shirt and tracks.....pulling your carry-on confidently behind you....you were 2 years and 11 months......U said 'bye bye maama.....see you', waving your little palm at me.....while I crumbled to nothingness.

They say that if Our Imam Mahdi (a.s) takes away his eye from us for even a millisecond, we disintegrate into oblivion.....I wish he would take his eyes away from me.....for I have disintegrated from within....only my physical form - still here....still feeling, still hurting,  unhealing wounds gaping....

Ali Mahdi....how am I going to live without you, son?