Dear Ali Mahdi,

Since the beginning on the month of August, every year since I last saw you, I start to drown in depression. As each day gets closer to the 10th of August, I feel more like a failure - failed at not being able to have you in my life because of your selfish father.

Where every mother in the world is happy and watching her son grow every day, moth and year, is able to hold him and hug him and kiss the daylights out of him, I can't even see you.

Both you and I are going through a great injustice because of the decision of one selfish man who is using you as a trump card to hurt me continuously. You probably don't realize this injustice... He fails to see that a child without a mother is not complete....

I am waiting for the day when you understand what happened with us. I know you are an extremely intelligent and intuitive boy.... you knew that we were going to be separated when you were two years old.
I remember we were watching the Disney cartoon 'Dumbo the elephant' and you kept watching the cartoon until the part where he is separated from his mother... and then you would start all over again... I was shocked each time you did that... It was like you were giving me a message. I hope you have watched the rest of that cartoon and will figure out how to come back to me soon.

I love you son. Happy birthday in advance.

My dearest Ali Mahdi

Missing you today as usual. I was thinking about how I used to carry you in my arms when you were a baby and take you around our beautiful apartment.

I had painted your nursery before you were born... Mint green and lavender... and a tree of life with humming birds and dragonflies.... It was lovely... and I'd take you there and show you what I'd painted.. you enjoyed looking at all of that. And then I'd take you into your sitting room and turn on the water fountain and you loved the water sounds and wanted to grab the bells that made beautiful tinkling sounds every time they touched due to the flow of water.... then you'd look at my ruby chandelier... and you wanted to grab the crystals... So I would take a crystal out and give it to you...and you'd put it in your mouth... yes.. It was too big for you to swallow, but you liked it's smoothness and it's coolness...

Then you'd give it back to me and watch me while I'd hook it back on to the chandelier... I donated that chandelier to the haram of Hazrat Abbas... If you ever go there, insha'Allah... look for it...

I miss you my love. I saw your recent picture on Facebook.... Love your new haircut... you're totally rocking it, Mashallah.

And how much you look like me, my love... your eyes are like mine... so is your nose and your hair and your lips and your chin... Everything is so similar.... Again, as always,I wish I could hug you tight and tell you how much I love you.

Allah keep you safe and loved and healthy.

Your mother's duaas are always with you like a cloud, shading you from the harsh sun and cooling you. Like a  tree , heavily laden with fruit,

Love you very much,

Mama.

My darling son,

How I wish I could Skype with you. It's really heartbreaking when I think that you probably don't even know what your mother looks like. Do you know my name Ali Mahdi? Do you know that I love to paint, but that I have lost inspiration to paint or to write poetry because of the anxiety I feel when I constantly miss you?

I still remember last  year, when we spoke briefly and I had asked you to go online on Skype .... I remember I put on my red hijab because I was so happy that I was going to see you. I waited for three hours... I imagine, your father didn't allow you.......

It's alright my love. Allah will give us many chances very soon to bond, Insha'Allah. I have full faith in my Beloved.

Love,
Mama.

My dearest son Ali Mahdi,

Insha'Allah, You will be seven this August of 2016. As I do everyday, I pray that you have a long and healthy life and that you are safe and happy always.

I have been missing you in a way that I cannot describe...maybe my heart ripped into pieces would best describe it. It is most unfortunate that you and I cannot be in touch because your father insists it be that way.

I miss you every single day, my baby, and the tears of separation roll down my face and onto my heart everyday. How I miss you and wish to hold you in the longest hug ever. How I long to kiss your face and your hands and your feet and crave to run my fingers through your curly locks and wonder how much they are like mine. The pictures that I manage to somehow see of you online give me some solace. That smile on your face pacifies me, albeit temporarily. I think to myself - he is smiling, so he is happy.

Ali Mahdijaani...  I think of calling you everyday. But for reasons you will learn of someday, I desist.
I am putting these letters out on the internet because I know that soon, you will be able to read and try to understand the absence of your mother in your life, even if you may have a stepmother in the future in your life.
And until you come looking for me someday, I will hold on to your blankie and wipe my tears of separation on it.
And when you find me, we will talk for days on end and try to catch up on lost moments and feelings.

I want you to know that in my heart, you are my little prince, my son and there is not a moment that you are not on my mind.

Today, I was thinking of how I would give you a bath every night (you loved those night time baths) and at the end of the bath, your eyelashes would clamp together and your eyes would look like stars.... my beautiful stars. I miss those dazzling stars of mine. In them I would see nothing but happiness. I pray the happiness is always there.

I love you Ali Mahdi. Please know that I did not abandon you no matter what ANYONE tells you. No mother would do that to her son.

Just know that I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BEING.

May we meet again very soon, Insha'Allah.

Love and duaas

Mama.